Same pineapple, same
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Blew out my flip flop…
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”