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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
