Same post same
You Might Also Like
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
And now we wait
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Noah
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Möther may I have a snäck
Same pineapple, same
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was