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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Received some very disappointing news today
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting