same vibe as tangled headphones
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.