Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.