Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there