[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The big book of baby names but for safe words
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
no regrets
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
