Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

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