[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Teamwork makes the dream work.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.