Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.