SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My birthstone is pecan pie.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
