Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You Might Also Like
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Money is the root of all wealth
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch