@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

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@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@4SLars

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

@lincnotfound

dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery

stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@GoodZiIIa

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t