Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”


My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.


No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.


Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?


I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.


My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.


I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.


Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.


My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.


It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.