Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You Might Also Like
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!