Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I am patiently waiting for your email
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks