Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.