Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
This is enough internet for the day.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?