Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

The Joker was right

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.