Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.