[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.