Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

per my last wtf

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

kitchen magnet

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

i think we should see other cousins

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”