Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head