Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

what’s really going on

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.