Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Lmao the reply

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Stop being racist to kettles.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this