Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

🤣🤣

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

good morning

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.