Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.