Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot