Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i smell a pulitzer

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.