Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”