San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The opposite of goth is stopth.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Church Pugh’s
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?