San Francisco has too many rules
You Might Also Like
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart