*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
These 3D printers are insane!