Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
✨☝️✨
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.