Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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Finally! 😈
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
This is a whole mood;
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again