Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Merica.
