Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously