Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Not even remotely sorry.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

he was correct

The answer is funnier than the question

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral