*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.