*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You Might Also Like
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.