*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.