sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left