sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?