Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

it be like that

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!