sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 馃檪
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 馃檨
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What鈥檚 up with you?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.