Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.