sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”