Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS