Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

I just post them. I don’t explain them.