Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Spring cleaning checklist…

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute