Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Oh deer

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Straight people are cancelled

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata