Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Just had my nails done!
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.