Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

A classic…

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.