Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?