Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.