Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.