“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Hmm 🧐
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.