“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When you’re Kinky but poor
#damn
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories