Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
just arby’s bein’ a bro
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Florida be like…
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now