Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments