“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
at ease…shoulder.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.