“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.