“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.