Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Mornin. * use accordingly
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.