Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
philosophical skeletons be like
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
U talkin 2 me?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next