Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.