Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.