Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
❤️❤️❤️
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here