Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.