santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Huge if true.
Cause of death: Zumba
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK