Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Aaaa…CHOO!

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

God tier horse name today on the sims

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…