Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Ok but actually

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me: